Blue Origin or Blue Screen? Why Gayle King’s Wig Had More Authenticity Than Jeff Bezos’ Rocket
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Let’s be real—Katy Perry and Gayle King’s alleged space trip with Blue Origin was less "giant leap for mankind" and more "giant leap for PR stunts." Eleven minutes? Eleven minutes?! I’ve had existential crises in the Target parking lot that lasted longer. I’ve spent more time debating if I really needed that second container of Basil Pesto or the third bag of chips at Costco. And for $28 million, Jeff Bezos could’ve at least thrown in a free hot dog and soda for the entire country.
The Wig Stayed On—But My Suspension of Belief Did Not
Let’s start with the real miracle of this mission: Gayle King’s wig. That thing was flawless. No frizz, no lift, not even a hint of rebellion. Meanwhile, my edges tap out at the slightest humidity. If NASA studied whatever glue and prayers they used to secure that lace front, we’d have colonies on Mars by now.
And the door? WE SAW IT OPEN! 👀
The shuttle. Where were the burn marks? The scorch of re-entry? My air fryer leaves more evidence after cooking frozen fries. At this point, I’m convinced they just filmed this in a $28 million greenroom (literally, a room painted green) and called it a day.
The Math Ain’t Mathing
Cost per minute in space: $2.5 million
Cost per minute in my therapist’s office: $3.50
Vibes: One of these things is a scam, and the other actually improves lives.
Bezos really said, "Let them eat space dust" while inflation has us rationing guac like it’s the last avocado on Earth. For that kind of money, he could’ve sponsored Easter eggs for the entire country—imagine the joy! Instead, we got 11 minutes of rich people floating like they just discovered the ‘no gravity’ filter on TikTok.
A Dystopian Novel Starring… All of Us
This is the worst-written dystopia ever. The villains aren’t even slick anymore—they’re just billionaires in poorly CGI’d rockets, pretending they’re changing the world while the rest of us struggle to afford changing our car oil.
And don’t get me started on the "life-changing experience" claims. BABE. If 11 minutes in "space" changed your life, wait until you hear about therapy, a good nap, or finally unsubscribing from all those spam emails.
Final Verdict: Costco Had More G-Force
At the end of the day, my $1.50 hot dog combo at Costco gave me more joy, more sustenance, and more realness than this whole "space" spectacle. At least when I leave Costco, I have actual receipts—not just questionable footage and a lighter bank account.
So, Blue Origin, until your rocket door squeaks like my 2005 Toyota Corolla, and until your "missions" last longer than my mid-shower mental breakdown, I’m not buying it.
This whole "space" circus had me side-eyeing like, "Jeff, babe, we see you... and we’re not impressed."
